Why dads matter

We write a few words about the things in life that matter the most to all humanity. One of these is the essential role of the father in balanced parenting.

Today’s item evolved from ongoing observations that dads get little respect. Out of spite and bitterness, some mothers would even estrange her children from their father.

Decades of research have carefully documented the problems associated with children growing up without fathers.  Despite the obvious, we sometimes hear the news media tout and even advocate for “genderless” or “same-sex” parenting.

Recently, we read a refreshing article by Jenet Jacob Erickson in the Deseret News (October 21, 2012) about scientific research on the important psychological influences of dads on children. Ideas from her article are repeated in this blog.

Erickson described research by Andrea Doucet involving 118 primary caregiver dads, including stay-at-home dads. This research shows conclusively that fathers have a completely different parenting style: To develop normally, children need the masculine parenting style that only a dad can provide.

Doucet concluded that fathers do not "mother," and that's a good thing. Although mothering and fathering have much in common, the father provides persistent, critical differences important to healthy child development.

How do fathers nurture children? To begin with, fathers more often use fun and playfulness to connect with their children. No doubt, many a mother has stood by--holding her breath--while fathers "tickled and tossed" their infants. Yet playfulness and fun are often critical modes of connection with children.

Fathers also more consistently make it a point to get their children outdoors for physical activities, as if they intuitively knew that focusing on physical development was also critical to nurturing. These activities involve risks that mothers might otherwise avoid.

Fathers are also more likely to guide their children in deciding how much risk to take, and then to encourage them in that risk taking—whether on the playground, in schoolwork, or at trying something new. This is the way dads foster independence in everything from children making their own lunches and tying their shoes to doing household chores and making academic decisions.

When fathers respond to children's hurts, they also focus more on fixing the problem than the hurt feeling. This seeming "indifference" to those feelings turns out to be useful, particularly as children grow older. As a result, normal children will then seek out and share things with their dads precisely because of dad’s problem-solving responses.

Psychologically damaged children deprived of a fathers influence avoid talking to and sharing with their dads later in life, and are often highly critical of their dads for perceived shortcomings.

As she evaluated these differences, Doucet wondered if dads just weren't just as "nurturing" as moms. Their behaviors didn't always fit the traditional definition of "holding close and responding sensitively."

But a key part of nurturing also includes the capacity to "let go." It is that careful "letting-go" that fathers are particularly good at—in ways that mothers often are not. These vital contributions by dads underscore the many research findings that when dads are not present, children are more likely to suffer and experience serious psychological dependencies, even into adulthood.

Arguments for the non-essential father may reflect an effort to be more accepting of the reality that many children grow up without their dads. But surely a more effective and compassionate approach to social problems would be to acknowledge the uniquely different contributions of mothers and fathers in their children's lives, then to do whatever we can to ensure that we understand the importance of a father’s contributions to child development.

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"My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard.  Mother would come out and say, 'You're tearing up the grass.'    'We're not raising grass,' Dad would reply.  'We're raising boys!' "   
                    -- Harmon Killebrew 

"He didn't tell me how to live; he lived; he lived greatness, and he let me watch him do it."   -- adapted from Clarence Budington Kelland

Tribute to a remarkable woman

We were the luckiest of all children.  We had a full-time mother who cooked and cleaned and sewed and helped us with homework and played with us in the back yard.  She was our cub-scout den mother; she helped us earn boy-scout merit badges; she read to us bedtime stories from the Bible.  She taught us to pray.

Mom’s prayers were legendary.  We worried that she would wear out her knees either praying or scrubbing the floors.  She knew how to talk to Heavenly Father.  Her prayers saved us from serious illnesses, accidents, and financial hardships.  We learned from our mother that all prayers are heard and answered--but that our faith must be strong--as we live the principles of the Gospel. 

Foundations in faith and confidence

Mother taught us to love and live the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  She taught the divine calling of the prophet Joseph Smith and reality of the First Vision.  She taught us faith in Christ, the power of a testimony, the blessings that come from obedience to the commandments, and the truthfulness of the Bible and the Book of Mormon.
 
She was always positive and reassuring.  She taught us to believe in ourselves, that we could do anything and become anything that we wanted to become.  We felt important, talented, smart, and good looking.  At least to her, we were.  And with that confidence, we went forward to succeed in life.

Music in the home

Mother sang at home throughout the day.  She was blessed with the most beautiful coloratura soprano voice and love for music.  Dad tended to the hardware store six days a week.  Mom took care of the home, yard, and children.  The themes that distinguished her life were love and service to and for everyone who needed her.  

“By their fruits ye shall know them”

Mom supported her five sons on two-year missions, and every week composed letters to them of family news, faith, and encouragement.  
* All six children graduated from college (two with doctorates).  
* All six children have temple marriages and families of their own.
* All six children and their families love their Savior, Jesus Christ.
* All six children and their posterity will carry forth her legacy.

   "I remember my mother's prayers, and they have always
   followed me.  They have clung to me all my life." 
                                            -- Abraham Lincoln
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Zina Vae Moore Fisher was born on June 25, 1924, in Pleasant Grove, Utah--the fourth of six children to Samuel Drollinger Moore, Jr., and Mabel Monson Moore. She died peacefully on April 16, 2012, following almost 88 years of a happy and fulfilling life.   

Champions for unity

The scriptures emphasize frequently the importance of unity. Nowhere is unity more important than in the family. “It is good to dwell together in unity” (Psalms 133:1).

We champion the cause of family unity in a world rampant with strife and division.

The apostle Paul said we should be “perfectly joined together” (1Cor. 1:10), “being of one accord, of one mind” (Phil. 2:2), and with “one mind striving together” (Phil. 1:27). Good advice then; good advice today.

If we’re not working together, we’re pulling apart.

The early believers in Christ were “of one heart and of one soul” (Acts 4:32). Alma taught the church “that there should be no contention one with another,” but that we should have our “hearts knit together in unity and love one towards another” (Mosiah 18:21.)

Maybe the virtue of family unity is more easily preached than put into daily practice. Selfishness and pride divide many families.

Gordon B. Hinckley provided valuable advice. He said that we ought to look for and accentuate the virtues, not the faults, of one another, based on respect and acceptance. He said, “If we will look for the virtues in one another and not the vices, there will be much more of happiness in the homes of our people. There will be far less of divorce, much less of infidelity, much less of anger and rancor and quarreling” (in Stand a Little Taller, p. 99).

We have to stifle the voices of insult, sarcasm, and criticism….especially toward members of our own family, who can sometimes feel like punching bags.

No matter what your age, be highly respectful of your parents, just as you would like your own children to respect you.

Few people pay enough attention to the pleadings of Christ in his great intercessory prayer to our Father in Heaven for the unity of his followers, that “they may be one, as we are” (John 17:11), “that they also may be one in us (John 17:21).

We can become “one,” in heart and soul, through unconditional love. We have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear.”           (1 John 4:18).

The entertainment we choose

Our modern culture offers an abundance of entertainment choices--television channels, movies, and music of every kind that stream to us 24 hours each day. We may watch live performances or recorded programs from satellite signals, the internet, and radio waves.

Some of this entertainment is positive and uplifting, but an ever-increasing segment is degrading and destructive. A recent New York Times review hyped a new Broadway musical as “blasphemous, scurrilous and foul-mouthed” (March 24, 2011). Movies and even television have become increasingly pornographic, excusing fornication and adultery, homosexuality, nudity, and casual drug and alcohol use. Comedians deliver strings of profanity and sexual innuendo. Movies and television disparage marriage, fidelity, abstinence, honesty, and faith.

“Our biggest challenge is to choose wisely what we listen to and what we watch” (M. Russell Ballard, Let Our Voices Be Heard, Ensign, November 2003, p. 16-17).

Whatever media we read, watch, or listen to will profoundly affect us in many different ways. Uplifting and beautiful entertainment will enrich our souls, but degrading, obscene, profane, and foul entertainment will weaken our souls.

Consumers vote with their wallets and voices. One may either passively watch the progressive decline in moral standards, or one may take action with other concerned citizens by opposing current trends. “We need to tell the sponsors of offensive media that we have had enough. We need to support programs and products that are positive and uplifting” (M. Russell Ballard, as previously cited).

We recently attended a live, flawless performance of the internationally acclaimed Riverdance. The Irish tap was fast and disciplined. The performers were beautiful and the costumes were colorful and modest. The folk music was authentic and melodic, and the lyrics were uplifting and encouraging.

One may choose high-quality entertainment that enriches and uplifts, or one may choose degrading and corrupting entertainment that defiles the senses and impairs moral perspective.

“If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things” (from the 13th Article of Faith).

Cultivating healthy family relationships

We can all benefit from understanding the characteristics of healthy family relationships. A quality relationship between husband and wife, between parents and children, and among siblings is essential for creating and maintaining a fulfilling, gospel-centered home.

On the other hand, dysfunctional family relationships create discord and an unhappy home environment. Poor family relationships foster conflict, alienate individuals, excuse disobedience and disregard for parental authority, and contribute to poor performance at work and school. Eventually these may also lead to physical and emotional abuse, moral indiscretions, infidelity, divorce, and perhaps even suicide.

How should we cultivate healthy family relationships?

Time -- Family members with healthy relationships spend time together. Time is the fundamental building block that strengthens family bonds. Families that share meal times, go on outings, and participate in sports and creative activities build strong and enduring relationships. In contrast, when family members avoid each other, relationships usually deteriorate.

Communication -- Healthy families communicate frequently at a high level. They converse during meal times. Conversation is positive and constructive. Family members freely express inner feelings, emotions, and desires without fear of repercussion. Words of appreciation, love, and “I’m sorry” generate an uplifting mind-set. In contrast, harsh and unkind or critical comments destroy relationships and break down communication lines.

Trust -- Healthy families trust each other. Parents who have taught their children to make the right choices, based on family values and Christian principles, can better trust their children to make correct decisions in their own life's adventures.

Meeting Individual Needs -- Daily life presents many unanticipated challenges. During difficult times, family members in healthy relationships step forward and support each other. In unhealthy families, rivalries and jealousy predominate, and family members may relish in the troubles that come to their parents, children, or siblings.

Family Goals -- Healthy families plan together to achieve family goals, such as home remodeling and landscaping, or recreation and vacations. Successful families share the workload and make personal contributions to home improvement.

Dealing with Conflict -- Families inevitably experience periods of conflict and readjustment. Healthy families communicate effectively to work through the conflicts--thereby growing closer in the process.

Prayer -- Healthy families pray, study scripture, and worship together. Perfection is not a prerequisite for a quality relationship. But all too often, families forget to think about and put into practice these simple habits that engender healthy and lasting interpersonal relationships.

The gift of time

Someone once said, “Time is love, love is life, and life is time.” If you love me, then spend your time with me.

Time cannot be purchased or exchanged. It is priceless. As an investment, it always returns more than it costs.

Sometimes we give each other presents instead of our presence, but tangible gifts cannot compensate for absence. We need time with each other much more than we need physical objects.

The time that you spend with me determines the measure of your love. Time with each other is precious. Your gift of time is your gift of love.

Gifts that have meaning

This week our son-in-law shared with us some fresh-caught salmon from the Columbia River. It was deep red, firm, and tasty—much more flavorful than any salmon from the grocery store. More important than the salmon was the time he spent catching the fish. We don’t know how many hours were involved, but a single salmon can cost a day of patient effort. His gift was a gift of time and sharing. Gifts of time, service, and sacrifice have great meaning.

We notice that some thoughtful people give of their time, but that other people do not. Our daughter picked us up at the airport, late at night, on our recent return from Russia. Her unselfish gift of time was most appreciated. Sometimes she will pick up lunch on her way over to our home and share extra sandwiches and sodas with us without fanfare or expectation of reward. Spontaneous, considerate gifts have great meaning.

Expressions of gratitude

Because we live a long distance away from most of our relatives, we usually ship gifts for Christmas, weddings, and birthdays—though our preference is always to deliver “in person.” Sometimes we will receive a “thank-you” note in return, but most of the time we do not!

The simple “thank you” note or other sincere expression of appreciation distinguishes gratitude from ingratitude, etiquette from carelessness.

The gift of inclusion

We like to visit friends and relatives, even those who live far away. Some are happy to see us; others seem indifferent or inconvenienced. It’s easy to detect.

Some of our relatives and friends have visited our home in Richland. It’s a nice place with amenities and recreational opportunities. We enjoy hosting. Most relatives, however, do not come, or they visit infrequently.

Some include us in their circle of friendship and share their lives with us. Others remain silent, separate, disinterested, and even unknown. Some call on the phone; others seldom call or write, even with availability of effortless email. We notice.

Gifts that show respect

The most important gift of grandchildren to grandparents is their interest in visiting and sharing time. A grandchild shows respect by spending time with grandparents. We love our grandchildren and cherish the time that they spend with us in our home. Their gift of time and interest is the most important gift that they can give.

“Let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7).